6 Years

My friend Darci has once again surprised us with a priceless gift.  Today she emailed me 3 photos of Benny that she found buried in her computer files.  Gratitude isn’t a big enough word to describe what I feel towards her.  She holds a very special place in my heart and is just a good for the soul kind of person.

Benny was such a joy. There is a purple pony nestled in the green purse he’s holding as he catches a ride on his IV pole.

Here he was getting to pick toys out of a special cabinet that was created in memory of another little boy whose life was stolen by cancer.  Benny didn’t want a toy so he picked some out for Jeremia and Conrad.  He was such a sweet brother.

I love that face.  I want to take it in my hands and cover every inch of it with kisses.

I want to hold him and caress his head and whisper in his ear.  I used to sniff in his ear like a dog and make him laugh.  I also used to sit and rub my lips back and forth over the top of his head, when he was sitting in my lap.  I can still feel that feeling.

I want to stare into his big brown pools and hold his hand and hear his sweet voice.

Instead, I am left to endure the slow ache of insatiable longing.

Where Benny’s life should be happening there are just dates to be remembered and honored.

Yesterday marked 6 years since Benny’s departure.  It’s barely conceivable that he’s been gone longer than he was here.

He was robbed, we were robbed and there is not a damn thing we can do about it.

Cancer is an asshole!

It would be easy to get lost in my hatred for the disease that stole my beautiful boy from me, but I try instead to fight the hate and focus on all of the wonderful things that came from my greatest loss.  Most days it’s works, some days I just have to let myself feel what I need to feel.

Seeing new photos of Benny is bittersweet.  I love them and cherish them and wish I had a new one everyday, but it still hurts a little to look at them.

I want to say it’s a painful reminder of all that we’ve lost, but that would suggest that we’d forgotten, and we will never forget.