As you all know, I take a ton of photos, but you might be surprised at how few photos I have framed. Less than 10.
3 of them are prized possessions. They were given to me at Benny’s memorial service, by our friend, Kara, who used to nanny for the boys. The photos she gave me were of shots she took, so I had no digital copy. It never occurred to me, until recently, to scan them.
I finally did.
This is either during, or shortly after Benny and Jeremia’s room was remodeled by Make A Wish. JP and Benny to loved dress up in costumes, so Make A Wish ensured they would have no shortage of costumes to choose from. The butterfly princess was one of Benny’s favorites.
This one is at the zoo during zoo lights and Benny is reaching up to touch the fake snow that’s falling.
And my very favorite. I just want to squeeze his face and eat him all up.
My happy little Moon cacti.
They sit right outside my kitchen window. I loved them already, but when I googled them to see what they were called, I fell deeper.
We used to call Benny “Moonie”, Der always called him “Moonman” and I sometimes called him “Mooniebird”. Truthfully he had a ton of nicknames, but this one stuck because his head was perfectly round and reminded Der of the moon.
Now whenever I stand at the kitchen sink and see these beauties, I will think of our beautiful Mr. Moon.
Oh how I miss rubbing that gorgeous noggin.
I slept super late. Hid from the world. Cried periodically through the day. Held a mini pity party. Let myself feel what I needed to feel without scolding or judging. Stayed under my rock for a little bit and then came out to enjoy a nice evening with my family and our dear friend Greb, who took us out to dinner. Thanks Greb!
I received tons of sweet birthday wishes, with words of warmth and kindness, from friends and family and feel accepted and loved.
Thanks to Der and the boys for my awesome new bicycle!
Der made me a delicious carrot cake and amused me with his creativity. I just love creative minds!
I love the banner. It’s simple and sweet and I know it was made with lots of love. It’s a piece of card stock taped to a drinking straw and stuck in the cake. I think that’s brilliant!
I am a very lucky girl!
I have been circling my rock trying to talk myself out of crawling under it. Hiding beneath it is inevitable and my right, but I try to hold out as long as possible, because I hate being under it. Part of me wants to sit under it and throw things at people, hating the world, telling everyone and everything to F*** off. The other part of me tells myself that nobody likes a whiney baby and feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time. Life keeps moving regardless of what I choose. And absolutely nothing will change the fact that a piece of my heart is missing. It has been ripped out leaving gnarly edges and a gaping hole.
The pain was once so jagged and raw, it could not be touched. It flared and screamed in agony, helped by nothing. It’s edges are now mostly smooth, having been worn down like a worry stone. It’s so familiar, it’s almost a comfort. I feel like it is as much a part of me as my own skin. I guard it. Hoard it. It’s mine and you cannot have it…like anyone in their right mind would want it.
The next 2 months is a series of very significant days separated by about 2 weeks each and all leading up to my worst heartache. First, my Birthday, then Mother’s Day, Benny’s Birthday, Ami’s Birthday and finally Benny‘s death. The first 4 things should all be happy days and we will do our best to maintain that facade, but underneath is the ever knowing despair of what they are all leading up to and who is missing. It’s a crazy emotional roller coaster with lots of build up, anticlimactic moments and one really big melt down. For the most part, I know what to expect and act accordingly. I will try to keep myself super busy. I will have days where I won’t even want to get out of bed. I will try not to be too hard on myself. I will fight the good fight and I will make it through.
**I forgot to add the ever important Father’s Day. It lands smack dab in the middle of Ami’s B-day and Benny’s death.