I have been going back and forth trying to decide how much I want to blog about. How personal do I want to get?  I am an extremely open person, but I worry that at some point I might become the over sharer.  I don’t want to be that person, but I do want to be brave and honest.  Also I want to be respectful to my readers whether I have 1 or 100 and disappearing for a solid week with no explanation isn’t fair.  I want this blog to be fun and upbeat but I also don’t want it to be a lie.

I have been battling depression since my teens.  Different things are triggers.  Some of the causes are huge and clearly worthy, but others are much more vague and shame filled.  As I have gotten older I have tried a multitude of coping skills and treatments.  I have tried everything from denial to medication.  This blog in fact came to be as one of my attempts at pulling myself out.

I felt a depression moving in around November.  I was putting up a good fight until January.  That’s when I fell straight down into the pit.  I wallowed in it.  I somehow managed to put together a housewarming party mid month but cried for two days straight afterward.  Even though I had been surrounded by people I loved, I felt alone and lost.  I knew I was in trouble.  That’s when I started going into def con, all hands on deck, emergency evacuation mode.  I started trying to claw myself out of the excruciating darkness.

Depression is a very funny thing.  The more depressed I am the more I withdraw.  My form of withdrawing is sleep.  I stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning and then sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  After a while I don’t know if I sleep because I am depressed or I am depressed because I sleep.  I do know that it sucks and that the more I hate it the less I want to fix it.  Hopelessness is a very dangerous feeling.  I thrive on hope.  I need it.  When I don’t have it, my brain goes to BAD places. Non-productive, self loathing places and the cycle continues.

I am full of a lot of pain and anger.  I have an unfortuate habit of trying to ignore it. I become a pressure cooker and when I don’t figure out ways to let the steam out I explode.  It’s always more of a pain in the ass to clean up the aftermath than it would have been to let it out, but I seem to forget.  I must be slow.

Currently I am in clean up mode and trying my damnedest to pull myself out of this dark place I am in.  Like so many things it is a take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back process. Last week was rough, but  here I am today, nails digging into the sides of the pit pulling myself out one inch at a time.


Filed under Brain Stew

6 responses to “Pain

  1. Joan Kellogg

    I never knew this about you. I struggle somewhat with this also. I do the same thing you mentioned; stay up very late and sleep late! I LOVE to sleep but I think it is definitely an escapism thing for me.

    Love and hugs. Joan

  2. Cami Reeves

    Keep clawing your way out sweetheart!!! You are worth every ounce of energy and strength it will take to do it!
    I love you!

  3. Tootie's mom

    Thank you for sharing. You are not alone you are loved!

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