I have been going back and forth trying to decide how much I want to blog about. How personal do I want to get? I am an extremely open person, but I worry that at some point I might become the over sharer. I don’t want to be that person, but I do want to be brave and honest. Also I want to be respectful to my readers whether I have 1 or 100 and disappearing for a solid week with no explanation isn’t fair. I want this blog to be fun and upbeat but I also don’t want it to be a lie.
I have been battling depression since my teens. Different things are triggers. Some of the causes are huge and clearly worthy, but others are much more vague and shame filled. As I have gotten older I have tried a multitude of coping skills and treatments. I have tried everything from denial to medication. This blog in fact came to be as one of my attempts at pulling myself out.
I felt a depression moving in around November. I was putting up a good fight until January. That’s when I fell straight down into the pit. I wallowed in it. I somehow managed to put together a housewarming party mid month but cried for two days straight afterward. Even though I had been surrounded by people I loved, I felt alone and lost. I knew I was in trouble. That’s when I started going into def con, all hands on deck, emergency evacuation mode. I started trying to claw myself out of the excruciating darkness.
Depression is a very funny thing. The more depressed I am the more I withdraw. My form of withdrawing is sleep. I stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning and then sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. After a while I don’t know if I sleep because I am depressed or I am depressed because I sleep. I do know that it sucks and that the more I hate it the less I want to fix it. Hopelessness is a very dangerous feeling. I thrive on hope. I need it. When I don’t have it, my brain goes to BAD places. Non-productive, self loathing places and the cycle continues.
I am full of a lot of pain and anger. I have an unfortuate habit of trying to ignore it. I become a pressure cooker and when I don’t figure out ways to let the steam out I explode. It’s always more of a pain in the ass to clean up the aftermath than it would have been to let it out, but I seem to forget. I must be slow.
Currently I am in clean up mode and trying my damnedest to pull myself out of this dark place I am in. Like so many things it is a take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back process. Last week was rough, but here I am today, nails digging into the sides of the pit pulling myself out one inch at a time.