I have been circling my rock trying to talk myself out of crawling under it. Hiding beneath it is inevitable and my right, but I try to hold out as long as possible, because I hate being under it. Part of me wants to sit under it and throw things at people, hating the world, telling everyone and everything to F*** off. The other part of me tells myself that nobody likes a whiney baby and feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time. Life keeps moving regardless of what I choose. And absolutely nothing will change the fact that a piece of my heart is missing. It has been ripped out leaving gnarly edges and a gaping hole.
The pain was once so jagged and raw, it could not be touched. It flared and screamed in agony, helped by nothing. It’s edges are now mostly smooth, having been worn down like a worry stone. It’s so familiar, it’s almost a comfort. I feel like it is as much a part of me as my own skin. I guard it. Hoard it. It’s mine and you cannot have it…like anyone in their right mind would want it.
The next 2 months is a series of very significant days separated by about 2 weeks each and all leading up to my worst heartache. First, my Birthday, then Mother’s Day, Benny’s Birthday, Ami’s Birthday and finally Benny‘s death. The first 4 things should all be happy days and we will do our best to maintain that facade, but underneath is the ever knowing despair of what they are all leading up to and who is missing. It’s a crazy emotional roller coaster with lots of build up, anticlimactic moments and one really big melt down. For the most part, I know what to expect and act accordingly. I will try to keep myself super busy. I will have days where I won’t even want to get out of bed. I will try not to be too hard on myself. I will fight the good fight and I will make it through.
**I forgot to add the ever important Father’s Day. It lands smack dab in the middle of Ami’s B-day and Benny’s death.