The Familiar Road

I have been circling my rock trying to talk myself out of crawling under it.  Hiding beneath it is inevitable and my right, but I try to hold out as long as possible, because I hate being under it.  Part of me wants to sit under it and throw things at people, hating the world, telling everyone and everything to F*** off.  The other part of me tells myself that nobody likes a whiney baby and feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time.  Life keeps moving regardless of what I choose.  And absolutely nothing will change the fact that a piece of my heart is missing.  It has been ripped out leaving gnarly edges and a gaping hole.

The pain was once so jagged and raw, it could not be touched.  It flared and screamed in agony, helped by nothing.  It’s edges are now mostly smooth, having been worn down like a worry stone.  It’s so familiar, it’s almost a comfort.  I feel like it is as much a part of me as my own skin.  I guard it.  Hoard it.  It’s mine and you cannot have it…like anyone in their right mind would want it.

The next 2 months is a series of very significant days separated by about 2 weeks each and all leading up to my worst heartache.  First, my Birthday, then Mother’s Day, Benny’s Birthday, Ami’s Birthday and finally Benny‘s death.  The first 4 things should all be happy days and we will do our best to maintain that facade, but underneath is the ever knowing despair of what they are all leading up to and who is missing.  It’s a crazy emotional roller coaster  with lots of build up, anticlimactic moments and one really big melt down.  For the most part, I know what to expect and act accordingly.  I will try to keep myself super busy.  I will have days where I won’t even want to get out of bed.  I will try not to be too hard on myself.  I will fight the good fight and I will make it through.

**I forgot to add the ever important Father’s Day.  It lands smack dab in the middle of Ami’s B-day and Benny’s death.


Filed under Brain Stew

8 responses to “The Familiar Road

  1. Donna Hettlage

    Thinking of you, Amy, and praying for God’s peace for you and your family.

  2. Joan Kellogg

    Well, girlfriend, I just posted on your FB wall for your birthday and my post was so appropriate, if I do say so myself. 🙂

    I love you so much. I think it is okay if you spend just a little time under the rock. Just a little.

    I have been struggling so with my sister’s decision to move to the DC area. I will miss her, but I am mainly upset that she is taking my niece Zoe away from me and my daughters, and the rest of our family. I have been so depressed about it. But I know that it is her life and she is an adventurous soul, unlike me, and she has never liked living in Louisville, KY. I am just struggling so to come to terms with this.

    Reading your blog today reminds me that I need to get over my stupid pity party. Nothing can break the bond I have with Zoe, no matter where she is.

    Love you. Love you so so much. Hugs to you, Derek and all the boys! Boy, that Benny sure is cute!

    Love Joan

    • Thanks for all the love, Joan. I love you madly!

      I hear DC has tons of AMAZING museums! You will just have to put your adventure boots on and visit often. Also use Skype or tango for video chat. It will be a rough adjustment, but I have faith that you will make the best of it.
      Love, love, love,

  3. Tawny

    Thoughts, prayers and hugs sent your way. Your sweet boy is forever loved and missed. Boy that Benny sure is cute!

  4. Olivia

    I didn’t know Benny and in all honesty I hardly know you, but I’ve been touched by you and Benny. Sometimes we need our rocks. Nothing wrong with that. You’re a strong woman with a loving family. My thoughts are with you.

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