Right now I feel scattered and sullen.
I feel lost. alone. broken.
I always seem to be at some stage of self repair. Putting myself back together hoping that this time it will stick and then watching myself slowly unravel. It’s an exhausting cycle, and there are times when I lose sight of the point, the why bother of it all.
I’m letting myself acknowledge the feelings and attempting to ferret out the source(s), but most times that’s like trying to find the loose end in a giant, tangled ball of yarn.
I will work through this…I always do, but sometimes all the crud builds up and I have to let a little steam off the ol’ brain-kettle.
Thanks for giving me a place to do that.
And your payment for listening to me kvetch is a photo of our goofy, ever-so-cross-eyed, Princess Puss.
And you’re ever-so-welcome.
Bad attitudes are so counterproductive and I’ve had one all day! Yuck!
Ever have the kind of day where nearly everyone, secretly in your head, is a moron? Or is that just me? Am I the only one who has over-judgemental, cranky-bear, bad attitude, hate the world days? They suck!
I try really hard to keep it self-contained. These are the days where I talk as little as possible, because…
My happy little Moon cacti.
They sit right outside my kitchen window. I loved them already, but when I googled them to see what they were called, I fell deeper.
We used to call Benny “Moonie”, Der always called him “Moonman” and I sometimes called him “Mooniebird”. Truthfully he had a ton of nicknames, but this one stuck because his head was perfectly round and reminded Der of the moon.
Now whenever I stand at the kitchen sink and see these beauties, I will think of our beautiful Mr. Moon.
Oh how I miss rubbing that gorgeous noggin.
I have been circling my rock trying to talk myself out of crawling under it. Hiding beneath it is inevitable and my right, but I try to hold out as long as possible, because I hate being under it. Part of me wants to sit under it and throw things at people, hating the world, telling everyone and everything to F*** off. The other part of me tells myself that nobody likes a whiney baby and feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time. Life keeps moving regardless of what I choose. And absolutely nothing will change the fact that a piece of my heart is missing. It has been ripped out leaving gnarly edges and a gaping hole.
The pain was once so jagged and raw, it could not be touched. It flared and screamed in agony, helped by nothing. It’s edges are now mostly smooth, having been worn down like a worry stone. It’s so familiar, it’s almost a comfort. I feel like it is as much a part of me as my own skin. I guard it. Hoard it. It’s mine and you cannot have it…like anyone in their right mind would want it.
The next 2 months is a series of very significant days separated by about 2 weeks each and all leading up to my worst heartache. First, my Birthday, then Mother’s Day, Benny’s Birthday, Ami’s Birthday and finally Benny‘s death. The first 4 things should all be happy days and we will do our best to maintain that facade, but underneath is the ever knowing despair of what they are all leading up to and who is missing. It’s a crazy emotional roller coaster with lots of build up, anticlimactic moments and one really big melt down. For the most part, I know what to expect and act accordingly. I will try to keep myself super busy. I will have days where I won’t even want to get out of bed. I will try not to be too hard on myself. I will fight the good fight and I will make it through.
**I forgot to add the ever important Father’s Day. It lands smack dab in the middle of Ami’s B-day and Benny’s death.
I am in a grumpy mood so bear with me and forgive me if it shines through my post. This has been the fastest summer ever. My ears are tired of the constant brotherly bickering that drives me nuts. They are just so mean to each other. They need space and a chance to miss one another. I hope. I am a mixture of excitement and self-pity. Both caused by the same thing: This will be the first time in a very long time that I will have the house to myself on a daily basis. My youngest isn’t a baby anymore!
Registration is this week and they start next week. This is Ami’s first year. Conrad will be starting 1st grade. JP will be attending Jr high as a 6th grader. I am a nervous ninny. I hope they all have happy, brain filling, successful years.
I recently found out that only 3 of the public middle schools in Tucson are up to standards. There is something seriously wrong with our system. I don’t pretend to be an expert, but as it is, things are so messed up that you would need to be living in a vacuum not to know there is a problem.
So long story short the 3 public schools in Tucson that are actually succeeding in preparing our students for high school and on, happen to be about 90 minutes away. So we have opted to send JP to our local one and supplement the schools ineptitude with private tutors provided free to us by federal funding.
I keep seeing “the system” throwing bandaids at the festering wound that is our education system, and it angers me. Where is simple common sense? We are going to try to make the best of this very flawed and poorly thought out system since there is no way we can afford private school.
Ok I think I am done with my rant. Thanks for letting me crab at you.
As a parting gift I offer you some shots from our recent visit to San Xavier Mission. We live less than 10 minutes away from it. The photos aren’t the best but they give you an idea of how gorgeous this place is.
The white dove of the desert.
The white spec on the far left, middle of this shot is what she looks like when we are hiking by our house.
I had a horrible dream a few nights ago, actually it’s been a series of dreams, with this latest one being the toughest. The scenario is the same, the details vary.
It goes like this…
I get diagnosed with cancer. I am terminal. I cry. I cry so much that my throat hurts and my eyes swell.
Then I wake up knowing I died, but not remembering the details, or if their even were any.
I don’t think I need to tell you that this dream sucks. Clearly my brain is working through some junk. I hope it knows what it’s doing. I wish it would hurry the EFF up because I am over it!
That might be why I’ve been clinging extra hard to this here blog. It’s a great distraction. I am in love with it. If I weren’t already spoken for, I might marry it. I am having so much fun and am so grateful to have readers. I love you all. I really do! I get excited to share cool stuff with you. The whole thing warms the cockles of my heart.
So….what photos to share today?
I think these because they go with my rebellious mood.
Jeremia and Derek found this place the other day while out on the quads. Der took me there today.
It’s four tall enclosed walls with a large gap/doorway. It would be the perfect place for a kegger. You would never know to look at the outside, that all of this awesome graffiti art was inside. The exterior walls just have trashy tagging on them, not artwork. The inside is an explosion of color and skill. Enjoy!
A bucket of awesome, I tell ya!
We had an AC installed earlier this week. I was hoping they would bring a crane to get the unit on the roof. I thought the kids would get a kick out of watching that, but no such luck.
This was pretty cool to watch though. Scary, but cool.
Now my house is ice-cold! I love it…until we get the first electric bill, but for now it’s all bliss.
Later that same day we went to Costco. As we were leaving, with our cart overflowing with bulk bargains, Ami stopped and put his hand to his mouth. “What’s in my mouth?” he wondered aloud. The answer…
he lost his first tooth. I didn’t even know it was loose. I guess he didn’t either, because he was quite surprised. He was positively ecstatic when he woke up to a dollar under his pillow.
Jeremia is going to be a Lego engineer when he grows up. He works with his Legos for hours, creating various vehicles with odds and ends pieces. It is all rather impressive.
He loves Legos, but is less than fond of getting his picture taken. I don’t know exactly when that happened. When he was younger he would ask me to take his picture all of the time just like Ami and Conrad do now. When did he become self-conscious and start feeling awkward about it? Doesn’t he know he’s amazing? I think I will have to make a point to tell him more often.
I remember feeling the same way about the camera when I was his age and on through adulthood. Something happened to my brain after Benny got sick. Such life altering events force you to take a look at yourself and your beliefs. Just one of my realizations was the importance of memories and photos, I noticed that I rarely looked happy in any of our pictures. I thought “My poor kids are going to look back at these photos when I am gone and they are going to think I didn’t like my life.” That would not do. So I stopped avoiding the camera and forced myself to loosen up in front of it. And I remind myself that bad pictures can always be deleted so have fun with it.