Tag Archives: loss of a child

6 Years

My friend Darci has once again surprised us with a priceless gift.  Today she emailed me 3 photos of Benny that she found buried in her computer files.  Gratitude isn’t a big enough word to describe what I feel towards her.  She holds a very special place in my heart and is just a good for the soul kind of person.

Benny was such a joy. There is a purple pony nestled in the green purse he’s holding as he catches a ride on his IV pole.

Here he was getting to pick toys out of a special cabinet that was created in memory of another little boy whose life was stolen by cancer.  Benny didn’t want a toy so he picked some out for Jeremia and Conrad.  He was such a sweet brother.

I love that face.  I want to take it in my hands and cover every inch of it with kisses.

I want to hold him and caress his head and whisper in his ear.  I used to sniff in his ear like a dog and make him laugh.  I also used to sit and rub my lips back and forth over the top of his head, when he was sitting in my lap.  I can still feel that feeling.

I want to stare into his big brown pools and hold his hand and hear his sweet voice.

Instead, I am left to endure the slow ache of insatiable longing.

Where Benny’s life should be happening there are just dates to be remembered and honored.

Yesterday marked 6 years since Benny’s departure.  It’s barely conceivable that he’s been gone longer than he was here.

He was robbed, we were robbed and there is not a damn thing we can do about it.

Cancer is an asshole!

It would be easy to get lost in my hatred for the disease that stole my beautiful boy from me, but I try instead to fight the hate and focus on all of the wonderful things that came from my greatest loss.  Most days it’s works, some days I just have to let myself feel what I need to feel.

Seeing new photos of Benny is bittersweet.  I love them and cherish them and wish I had a new one everyday, but it still hurts a little to look at them.

I want to say it’s a painful reminder of all that we’ve lost, but that would suggest that we’d forgotten, and we will never forget.

4 Comments

Filed under Everything else, Family, Rodents aka kids, With Gratitude

Moonie

My happy little Moon cacti.

They sit right outside my kitchen window.  I loved them already, but when I googled them to see what they were called, I fell deeper.

We used to call Benny “Moonie”, Der always called him “Moonman” and I sometimes called him “Mooniebird”.  Truthfully he had a ton of nicknames, but this one stuck because his head was perfectly round and reminded Der of the moon.

Now whenever I stand at the kitchen sink and see these beauties, I will think of our beautiful Mr. Moon.

Oh how I miss rubbing that gorgeous noggin.

4 Comments

Filed under Amazeballs, Brain Stew, Kids, Let's make things pretty., Natural Happenings

The Familiar Road

I have been circling my rock trying to talk myself out of crawling under it.  Hiding beneath it is inevitable and my right, but I try to hold out as long as possible, because I hate being under it.  Part of me wants to sit under it and throw things at people, hating the world, telling everyone and everything to F*** off.  The other part of me tells myself that nobody likes a whiney baby and feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time.  Life keeps moving regardless of what I choose.  And absolutely nothing will change the fact that a piece of my heart is missing.  It has been ripped out leaving gnarly edges and a gaping hole.

The pain was once so jagged and raw, it could not be touched.  It flared and screamed in agony, helped by nothing.  It’s edges are now mostly smooth, having been worn down like a worry stone.  It’s so familiar, it’s almost a comfort.  I feel like it is as much a part of me as my own skin.  I guard it.  Hoard it.  It’s mine and you cannot have it…like anyone in their right mind would want it.

The next 2 months is a series of very significant days separated by about 2 weeks each and all leading up to my worst heartache.  First, my Birthday, then Mother’s Day, Benny’s Birthday, Ami’s Birthday and finally Benny‘s death.  The first 4 things should all be happy days and we will do our best to maintain that facade, but underneath is the ever knowing despair of what they are all leading up to and who is missing.  It’s a crazy emotional roller coaster  with lots of build up, anticlimactic moments and one really big melt down.  For the most part, I know what to expect and act accordingly.  I will try to keep myself super busy.  I will have days where I won’t even want to get out of bed.  I will try not to be too hard on myself.  I will fight the good fight and I will make it through.

**I forgot to add the ever important Father’s Day.  It lands smack dab in the middle of Ami’s B-day and Benny’s death.

8 Comments

Filed under Brain Stew