Tag Archives: pediatric cancer

6 Years

My friend Darci has once again surprised us with a priceless gift.  Today she emailed me 3 photos of Benny that she found buried in her computer files.  Gratitude isn’t a big enough word to describe what I feel towards her.  She holds a very special place in my heart and is just a good for the soul kind of person.

Benny was such a joy. There is a purple pony nestled in the green purse he’s holding as he catches a ride on his IV pole.

Here he was getting to pick toys out of a special cabinet that was created in memory of another little boy whose life was stolen by cancer.  Benny didn’t want a toy so he picked some out for Jeremia and Conrad.  He was such a sweet brother.

I love that face.  I want to take it in my hands and cover every inch of it with kisses.

I want to hold him and caress his head and whisper in his ear.  I used to sniff in his ear like a dog and make him laugh.  I also used to sit and rub my lips back and forth over the top of his head, when he was sitting in my lap.  I can still feel that feeling.

I want to stare into his big brown pools and hold his hand and hear his sweet voice.

Instead, I am left to endure the slow ache of insatiable longing.

Where Benny’s life should be happening there are just dates to be remembered and honored.

Yesterday marked 6 years since Benny’s departure.  It’s barely conceivable that he’s been gone longer than he was here.

He was robbed, we were robbed and there is not a damn thing we can do about it.

Cancer is an asshole!

It would be easy to get lost in my hatred for the disease that stole my beautiful boy from me, but I try instead to fight the hate and focus on all of the wonderful things that came from my greatest loss.  Most days it’s works, some days I just have to let myself feel what I need to feel.

Seeing new photos of Benny is bittersweet.  I love them and cherish them and wish I had a new one everyday, but it still hurts a little to look at them.

I want to say it’s a painful reminder of all that we’ve lost, but that would suggest that we’d forgotten, and we will never forget.


Filed under Everything else, Family, Rodents aka kids, With Gratitude

Zippity Do Da

We went to Candlelighters camp last weekend.  Candlelighters is a parent-run organized support network for families touched by pediatric cancer.

It’s a good time full of activities, bonding, fun and quality family time-plus I didn’t have to cook once the whole weekend!

We did lots of cool stuff that I’ll post about tomorrow, but the highlight for most of us was the zip-line.

Conrad and Jeremia couldn’t wait to try it.  Ami said no-way-jose.

Jeremia posed for me, before climbing the pole.

It’s a long way up!

Fearless Jeremia went down FOUR times!

As you can tell he was in 7th heaven!

Jeremia’s orthodontist is having a fun contest called The Flat Docs.

They gave him a printout of the Flat Docs to cut out.  The challenge is to take an original/fun photo holding the Docs.

I think the Docs enjoyed the zip-line, and I hope it’s good enough to win the iPad 2 they are giving away.

If Conrad looks miserable, it’s because he was trying his hardest to be patient, while waiting for his turn down the zip-line


So, so high.

Pure glee.

He wanted to go again, but never got a chance since he had so many other activities he wanted to do as well.

Positively giddy.

And then shocker of shockers, I agreed to go down.

What?!  I didn’t give myself a chance to think about it.

As I scurried up that pole in record time, I could hear everyone’s shock at how quickly I climbed it.  I was very focussed.  Der tried to cheer me on, but I had to ask him to stop talking to me.  I was afraid if thought about it too much, I would chicken out.

Huey was there to greet me at the top.

He told me “Don’t jump until I say it’s ok.”.  I assured him I wasn’t going anywhere until he gave me the all clear.

Huey counted down for me and then I was zipping on down, squealing the whole way.

It was a rush for sure.

Then it was Der’s turn.  I didn’t get to watch Der go down, because I had to run off to help families make candles for the candle lighting ceremony later that night, but someone took photos for me.

He was so handsome dressed in all of his gear.  It made my heart pitter patter.

Super-champ didn’t even hesitate.  He jumped as soon as Huey gave the thumbs up.

I can’t wait to find out what our next awesome adventure will be.  With us, there is no telling.

We laugh in the face of fear! Mwahahaha!



Filed under Adventures, Amazeballs, Entertain Me, Family, Making Memories, Rodents aka kids